TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the city historically known for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed with the putting eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely outside of area. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, certain, let's have An additional spot wherever American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: present Every person a set on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each individual unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he ought to stop making use of it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the job, replied, "You understand, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a aspect staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the developing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It is really not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest component Trump Tower Damascus of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever company could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting consideration from international investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where my PTSD might have switch-down support."


One more publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to make a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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